Dear Matt…

I wish you hadn’t gone.

I wish you would have waited. I wish you would have waited for me to come back and share another whiskey. I wish you I could have told you how great of a friend you were. I wish I wouldn’t have been so naive to think that you would always be around. I wish I could call you and say I am sorry for not calling. I wish I could say that any of my wishes made a difference.

But they don’t. Today, you are gone. You aren’t hear for me to call. You aren’t here for me to tell you how you are a rock in a world of pebbles. You aren’t here to have a whiskey… So instead, I shared a whiskey with a memory. A memory of a heart of gold. A memory of a true friend.

You were there through thick and thin. You made the world around you a more enjoyable place. You brought a smile to anyone who ever knew you. You had a charisma and charm that couldn’t be denied. When you spoke, people listened, and when you listened, people noticed. You could carry the world on your back, and many times, you did.

I miss you already Matt. I cannot believe you are gone.

I won’t tell you that I believe you are in some magic fairy land of rainbows and unicorns; because I know you wouldn’t want me to submit to such a fantasy unless I truly believed it. It was what made our friendship so special. You were so firm in your beliefs… and I in mine… But we knew the character of each other. Regardless of where we stood on the ballot box, or afterlife, or foreign affairs, I had your back, and you had mine. If you were about to beat some liberal hippie into the ground at a bar, I was right behind you… Because I knew it wasn’t because of what he believed, but because you could see his inner schmuck…

I love you Matt. I will never forget you. Thank you for being such an amazing person. You are a foundation for greatness. You are a rock.

Always.

Nic

 

[Your Name Here]… revisted

[Your Name Here]

You wanted a tree, so I found you one deep in a wood.
Far from the world that brought us to our pained state today.
So I got away.
I found what you wanted.
Your own tree of history. No mark had scared the depths of her bark.
Her strong bough stood taller than any tree by her side.
She lasted centuries hidden from pain, struggle and loss.
I wanted to find passion in my heart for her fortune and grace.
But rather, with hammer and chisel I made her yours.
I dug as clean and deep into her skin, and put in her my sorrow and loss.
The immediate remorse for my attack set in with each consequential blow.
But I owed her the respect to finish the job.
Her Bark began to bleed the sap of her growth.
Her longing to reach the sky had never been threatened.
Not until this day.
A day of my rage, my submittal to imperfection.
My weak will.
My desire.
My desire to give you what you want.
It took from me, a piece of myself.
My fight against it all, lead me to destroy beauty.

 

follow your heart… but listen to your gut…

It happens

Her tactics were shady. I blamed her. I told myself she led me in this direction. Truth be told, I was afraid to blame myself. I knew, and still know, what I am looking for… I believe in the real deal. I believe in love. I believe in all in… And I convinced myself she was it. Truth be told, there is a good chance it was my fault for being so convincing. For trying so hard. For holding so tight. For not giving up. Perhaps I convinced her to try.

But truth be told, I knew all along. It was never to work.

Sadly, I was caught between my heart and my gut. Even after pulling the band aid. Even after a quick and swift tear… The cast of her lure drew me in. A younger me presided in the ruling. I told myself, Go with your heart! Wrecklessly I did… and perhaps I got what I deserved. A mouth full of “I told you so’s”.

The heart is strong.

I still believe we should follow our heart in life, but we should go with our gut when push comes to shove… Because our heart may know how to keep us full of the spice in life, but it has no idea what to do with the shit…

I was distracted for a brief moment… But if you read this far… just know… Im about to make this shit real. Im going to be a rescue swimmer. Im going to save lives, and this is my fuel.

Please, keep being somebody..

somebody that I used to know…

 

Him… Her…

I guess I can’t really consider things any other way. It’s not as though it was through some conscious choice I chose this path. Not at all.

Our story is way more complicated than some point A, Point B google map. Unfortunately my generation hasn’t been blessed with the opportunity of redundancy. Oh no, our generation meets challenges at an exponential rate. We don’t have the excuse of “I don’t know.” Rather, our mishaps appear in the form of, “I was finding out.” And so it was…

I was finding out the ratings on starting pitchers for a fantasy baseball league. I had never been in a fantasy anything before, but I figured it would give me the chance to actually say something at break today…

It was the bloody nose that really scared me. I wasn’t ready to see the smoke pouring out of the front bent end of my car. I was so buried into my fantasy that I ran straight into her.

* * *

My broken arm landed me in physical therapy. I didn’t see her often in my weeks of therapy. I knew nothing about life in the hospital. Until I met her. She worked nights in the ER. The night before we met she had swapped shifts to see a show in the city. She had found her self immersed in her work. I had never dreamt of her world. In and out of business school, I never questioned the path in front of me; I just trusted the opportunities I landed. Her path was similar. Her path was simple. That is, In theory at least.

Both of us were caught off guard that morning. Bloody nose. Tearing eyes. A broken arm. Late to work. Another dreary morning. Her spilled black coffee stained her jacket. And she still had her boss to deal with… Her damn boss. All of it…

And then there was Him…

And then there was Her…

 

it all adds up…

The cold puddle soaked into his jeans as he tried to think things through. Logic has no seat in this fight. Black and white answers get muddy in a world of color. Objectivity… Long gone. It was him versus her; problem being, both contenders were at ends with themselves. And the hard wood floor raised a hint of anger from within.

The question arose… Why the hell was he sitting outside his apartment. He could hear the tv turn on. Footsteps. Freezer door. Silverware. Footsteps. The pot once at a simmer, was now steaming towards a boil. He stood up. One hard fist to the door, held in place. He leaned his forehead in and looked down. A deep breath settled it. Down the three flights of stairs, and into the cold. A small group stood at the corner waiting on a taxi. He walked up to a younger guy, “Hey man, could I bum a smoke?”

“Yeah, sure thing man.” He pulled out a red box of cigarettes and flicked one out.

“Got a lite?”

“Ya, of course.”

As he took a drag, he offered a polite head nod, a soft thanks and turned for the corner pub. He wasn’t a smoker. But things have a way of adding up.

Endnote: I’m working on putting this together as a short story with the following…

Stumbling in love…

Feel free to critique. Thanks!

 

It took everything…

It took letting go… Again. It took saying goodbye to what is known. It took a loose footed leap to a blind landing. It took hard hits, and heartache. It took accepting all of it, and asking for more.

It is taking persistence and preservierence. It is taking foresight and belief in self. It has called on will and struggle against naysayers and negative notions. It is taking the anchor to be pulled and sails to be set. It is taking the drive to move on and not look back. To forget. To dismiss. But most of all to push on.

It’s been said by plenty… The world will bring you down. It’s in you to bring the world up. Seek good. Do right. Try. And when you can, take a look around, and smile, then keep climbing.

 

Things behind…

What I’ll miss…

I’ll miss the cool fall air.
I’ll miss the late nights. And the later mornings.
I’ll miss brunch with a sweet hand to hold.
I’ll miss the calm before the storm.
I’ll miss the feel of a cold oar.
I’ll miss the connect between an 8.
I’ll miss the bond between a pair.
I’ll miss the pillow of an open home.
I’ll miss the family. Old and new.
I’ll miss the familiar drive down a clustered highway.
I’ll miss you. Yes you.

I’ll remember…
I’ll remember the strength I gained in cold mornings.
I’ll remember the lessons from the mentors I have been blessed with.
I’ll remember how to smile.
I’ll remember why to smile.
I’ll remember how lucky I truly am.
I’ll remember the storm after the calm.
I’ll remember sunsets.
I’ll remember rainy days, and parking lot puddles.
I’ll remember how to pick up after it feels like it has all fallen apart.
I’ll remember how to hold on, even on top of a capsized launch.
I’ll remember to be there.
I’ll remember you. Yes you.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there for me through out this journey. It has been quite a trip so far. And if you are still around you probably aren’t going anywhere, any time soon. It’s a little scary some times.

I am scared of the finality of each decision I make. But I think it is silly not to be. We’re on a rock spinning 1000 miles per hour, in an orbit around a sun at 67,000 miles per hour, Ina a solar system traveling around a galaxy at 550,000 miles per hour; and there are 7 billion of us on this ride.

Monday I say goodbye to Ohio, and goodbye to a lot of you. Some of you, likely for the last time. But as is life. “…knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.”

I suppose that is all for now… Signing out.

nlvogs

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

 

art in sound…

A show of expertise…

Tres Padres…

 

Strong optimism… President Obama…

Wow

All I can say is, re-energized. Time for movement. Time for progress. To all my fellow veterans, listen to what is said at [7:15], please listen and tell me President Obama doesn’t care about you. I feel ready for voting season after this speech. I am not saying my vote is sold, set, or cast, but I am ready. Optimistic, and ready.

Wow

 

Step out… Step off… Look up… Let go…