Just got a fw email from the big man… pretty sure it was a mass email, but Check It! He’s kinda a jerk…
First off, its 5:20pm, not 5:30. I start at the same time every year. So I have ten minutes, stop rushing me. I am very particular about my time and I manage it on my own. A bender like this one requires coffee breaks. I also need you to know your parents lied to you. Not about my existence, but rather that I am a jolly guy. When you work as many hours as I do, you don’t have the luxury of being jolly. It is a waste of time. And for whatever reason, your parents have deceived you in thinking that it’s easy to get on my list. Trust me when I tell you, its not. Simply not being naughty does not rank you on the nice list. So when you don’t get a present from me, it may be time for inflection.
Next thing on my list, what is up with all these logical minded grown up thinking I don’t exist. To those of you out there who are perpetuating the rumors of my nonexistence, you need to take a chill pill and face up to the facts… I stopped giving you presents a long time ago because you turned into an asshole. Sorry for the wake up call. My presents mean something because they are earned.
The clock is ticking, and I have quite a few stops to make this evening, so I must be going. But I just wanted to tell someone this before all the trash talk of next year begins. I am real. I am not very nice. I give presents to compensate for my lack of niceness. I don’t like most of you. And finally, your air traffic controllers need some work.